看似倒韩 实则冲厕 作者: 四川一杀猪的

 有一个事实不可否认:当前,韩家两爷子出来溜达的时候是越来越少了。当然,如果是冬天,俺们可以理解成是生理本性使然,不敢苛刻;同样,如果是其他人,俺们可以理解成是行为习惯原因,无须惊奇。但联想到前些年韩氏父子的表现,再看看当前春暖花开的季节,面对依然沉默得有点死寂的韩氏父子,看看依旧关闭得死死的三重门,也许不仅仅是倒韩者,就连那些挺韩的公知、媒体,尤其是那些苦苦等待韩氏尿点到来的韩粉,都会思考同样一个问题:这两爷子究竟是怎么了?

  先看韩二,虽然自知口才欠佳,早就声明不接受访谈,但其蓬头散发的形象以前在某些电视台上还是不算少见;虽然自知身材短小,早就声明不参加很多活动,但以前只要有能够装逼卖酷接受“韩粉”崇拜的机会还是很少错过;虽然自知其文字多是“嫁接”而来,但为了取悦“韩粉”博取人气,博客从未受到像如今这样的冷落,也不知道“别人不能做到不等于韩少不能做到”的赛车期间能写博文的能力是怎么突然消失了?半夜三更上网更新博文的激情怎么突然减退了?点两个标点符号就能换取数十万点击和欢呼的神话怎么突然破灭了?其实,并非韩二在一年之间未老先衰精力不济,而是因为以前只要韩二出场,其身影总是隐藏在耀眼的光芒之下,远看如霞光万道,近看其实就是不少人在拿着手电筒乱晃;远看如天马口衔灵芝翩翩而至,近看其实就是一只野驴在刨蹄啃草。
  再看老韩,虽然一辈子恪守公开场合低调处事、私人领域猥琐为人的原则,坚持早上跟着两条狗跑、晚上装成小青年玩的习惯,但只要稍加注意,尤其是在逢年过节,总会在一些署名“韩寒”并公开发表的字里行间看到其鬼魅般的身影,并带着那特有的离不开下三路的口音。现在,即使天塌地陷也很少看到这个猥琐的老头子出现了,也许是体力精疲力竭、也许是家门摇摇欲坠,总之看来,现在不管是什么革命、自由、民主之类的话题,都勾不起老韩的任何兴趣,但如果老韩坚持多吃猪腰子,也不排除偶尔关注如南京约炮之类的东西。
  韩氏两爷子不再轻易抛头露面,但这并不表示这两东西会就此销声匿迹,有时,发臭的东西即使消除,但那臭味却会残留很长一段时间,何况,只要沿着韩氏父子的臭味寻找下去,不难发现这两爷子其实远不如李先生口中的臭鸡蛋那么简单,而完全就是一外观装潢漂亮、内里污秽遍地的茅坑。(用个别文明人的话来说就是厕所,还是只供一些公知媒体专用、却长期无人打扫的公厕)
  无可否认,蒙丫绝对是这座公厕的奠基人。他们通过第一届新概念大赛,挖好茅坑;通过三重门的出版,砌墙盖顶;通过大量的宣传造势,粉糊装修。此时,由于公厕刚刚落成,外人只能看到其富丽堂皇的装饰,并不完全了解其用途,也许,最开始就连老韩也不知道其真正目的。随着蒙丫声名鹊起、人丁兴旺,公厕的启用便顺理成章且势在必行,为了确保来往公知们来时泰然自若、去时衣冠楚楚,就必须把他们的排泄物悄悄深藏其中,由韩氏父子负责清扫、运出,尽量化解其臭味,从而让外人不轻易得知真相。最开始,韩氏父子为报知遇之恩,心甘情愿不辞劳苦地干着这些苦差事,于是乎,那些臭味熏天的东西便从这两爷子的口中喷出,令很多文坛大儒、名人雅士深受其累,也许他们从未怀疑过这其实真正是来源于那些冠冕堂皇的媒体公知。
  随着时间推移,由于公厕年久失修,巨大的臭味开始慢慢扩散并越来越被更多人注意。此时,也许蒙丫曾生警觉之心,韩氏也有收敛之意,但随即老韩居然发觉这臭味竟有几大好处:
  一是可让其味日传千里、声名远播,这对于利欲熏心的老韩来说,显然不容舍弃,因为在老韩看来,流芳百世和遗臭万年尽管性质不同,但却可以让自己扬名立万、声名显赫。
  二是可让很多人避之不吉、谈韩色变,试想:一个报社编辑、一个退学混混,能在这社会上威风八面、横行肆为,除了因不少公知进出而沾点名气之外,其主要原因还在于两韩占有大量的原料资源,可以毫无顾忌地朝天泼粪。
  三是居然能赢得有不少真心拥护者,臭味虽然没人喜欢,但这并不包括那些大头苍蝇,这玩意不但喜好追腥逐臭,而且繁殖能力相当强大,其实与其说那些把公厕当作庙宇来朝拜的人是受了韩氏的迷惑,不如说那是因为茅坑的味道激活了其本性。
  尝到如此甜头,韩家两爷子顿时欣喜若狂,不但从此不再冲洗茅坑马桶,而且还随地乱拉乱撒,导致公厕一方面是蝇满为患,一方面是臭味熏天,直到来往行人忍无可忍,于是纷纷提水冲之、洗之,看似倒韩,实则冲厕。只不过由于声势浩大,导致蒙丫等流以为众人是要强拆,其实谁不知道,这随意拆迁岂是平民草根敢为之事?
 
  2013年3月3日

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