韩二告别词 口述:长治原德伟 代笔:四川一杀猪的

各位盆友,各位来宾,各位公知大儒,各位平民草根,各位韩氏铁杆粉丝,各位韩氏代言的商家大鳄以及没点到名的韩氏的亲戚六界、生前友好和被韩氏误了大好青春年华的无辜少年们:

在这冬天花败、春暖花开,老子都不知道是什么季节的日子里,今天,俺们这群身份十分复杂的观众怀着十分复杂的心情,在这旮旮心神不定地悼念曾经被残酷包装成文学天才、社会公知、当代鲁迅、意见领袖、风雲人物、青春偶像的无知少年和文化白痴韩二同志。首先,请允许俺代表杀猪界对韩二的爽快离去表示衷心的祝贺,同时向曾经为了挽救韩二恢复他应得名声的各位盆友表示诚挚的谢意,最后还要向韩二曾经辱骂和伤害过的各界人士表示深深的歉意!

此时此刻,俺的心情和你们大多数人是一样一样的,不好明说,不好细说,所以俺就不说了。韩二同志其实是个生命力倍儿强、身体板倍儿好、意志力倍儿坚定的奇才。在这几个月来的强度质疑和良心煎熬中死挺着硬没倒下,每天还能打两盘俄罗斯方块开两圈手扶式拖拉机喝两碗海底捞余汤;听说在最近参加的汽车大赛中,眼看无法超越对手取得自己满意的成绩,还能神定气闲地量度好尺寸然后不慌不忙地在离终点刚好20米的地方完美停好,这优美沉着之姿势,俺们经常看到,想来大家也不陌生,就不再放VCD了。俺想说的是,就这样一位像钢筋混凝土浇成的同志,于某个月黑风高的夜里,却从某个学校的女生宿舍下水管上不慎滑下,以时速180迈的速度“啪叽”摔到水泥地上,虽然及时送入医院抢救,但由于膝盖摔断、脊梁扭弯、良心震烈,因而伤势过重,于今年今月今日凌晨终于不治身亡,享年多少岁还未详细考证和推算。因为韩二同志计算时间的标准与常人有很大区别,牵涉如此严肃的问题俺不能信口雌黄,请各位务必谅解。(如有急需知道的盆友,可自己摸出算盘,按一年五百天倒推,应该最多有个三二十年的误差)

韩二同志虽然生在红旗下,长在新中国,心安理得地吃过国家公粮,住着单位福利房,但他始终没有被金钱利益所诱惑,一如既往地用实际行动反对教育、反对体制、反对家庭教养、反对身边存在的任何一切,包括疑似自己亲生父亲写的一些豆腐块文章。韩二同志自小志向远大,立志要做一名性学专家,为此他经常孜孜不倦地与女同学交心谈心,冒着被警察抓、老师骂、父母揍的危险,别出心裁地从女生宿舍下水管上爬上爬下,亲身实践,终于在初中二年级的时候成功破处,为广大青少年不务正业捅开情窦做出了光辉的榜样,甚至在很多年后由于为此留下的经常半夜梦游爬水管的后遗症,献出了生命的代价。为此,俺提议,让俺们伸出宝贵的双手,为韩二同志的这种献身精神热烈鼓掌!!!!

韩二同志早年为抵制教育而作出过前仆后继的牺牲,以至于高中升不上,红灯年年挂,敢于对老师怒目相视恶语相加,这种大无畏的精神已经在我国教育屈辱史上写下了漆黑的一笔。本来照此发展韩二同志可能会作为一个典型写进教科书,任万人瞻仰。但后期韩二同志由于生不逢时,交友不慎,迫于其父的淫威下,极不情愿地参加了一次作文大赛,却不幸抄出一篇文章因为书法水平大大超出评委们的想象而惊动了众多文坛大儒,最后不幸获得了大奖。本来韩二同志很想低调处理,不参加获奖合影,不宣传获奖成绩,甚至差点摔碎了那个获奖镜框框,但由于其父亲以死相逼,媒体公知展劲鼓吹,尤其是出版商们高价出书诱惑,韩二同志终于无奈地屈服了。但俺们要清醒地看到,即使在他自己步入文坛后,韩二同志也随时不忘狠毒地抨击那些文学大师,甚至不惜把自己也臭骂一顿,也要揭露出“文坛是个屁,谁也别装逼”的真相。韩二同志长期敢于言不择语、话不避嫌、六亲不认地痛骂一切自己认为该骂的人和事,凭着早已失传的疯狗拳法,曾在十几年间打遍文坛无敌手,如果不是为了父亲来之不易的工作被拿下,他还可能会毫不留情地打遍政界;如果不是国家对枪支管得严格,他很有可能会操起火药枪直捣军界。总之,韩二同志的一生属于是奋斗的一生,属于是拼命与自己的道路抗争的一生!

韩二同志的高尚品德还表现在他不喜欢别人强加于头上的荣誉,尤其反感粉丝们在不征求其意见的基础上擅自帮忙刷票,直到刷出时代周刊100强以至惊动了美国总统。但韩二同志以自己强烈的民族自尊心和社会责任感断然拒绝了山姆大叔的邀请,坚决不与外邦对话。当然,日本人除外,毕竟日本人也是黄色人种,体形个头与韩二同志相差不大,看在近亲的面子上,韩二同志屈尊代言了一款名不见经传的日本车辆,在这方面,我们要宽恕并理解韩二同志舍生取义、忍辱偷生的良苦用心。

韩二同志一生有着强烈的事业心和上进心,虽然看不懂繁体字和文言文,但他坚持读完了二十四史和管锥编等高深文学读物(虽然是简装漫画版);坚持在课堂上和快餐店里抄完了四十多万字的几重门,这种求学精神我们一定要给予充分赞扬。韩二同志一直坚持在打游戏时不忘思考文章,在赛车同时中还不忘发表文章,立志要做一个赛车手中文章写得最好、文学作者中赛车开得最棒的人。事实证明,他做到了,虽然他的文章中有很多错别字,虽然他在汽车比赛时排名比较靠后,但至少每年他能抄下一两本书出版并收获上千万的稿费,每年能参加一两次车赛拿回几座村东头旧瓦窑精心烧制的奖杯。这些都值得俺们敬仰并学习。

韩二同志一生勤俭节约,给自己母亲买床都只挑选十几万的普通木床,对那些在马桶上还镀金镶钻的奢侈行为是深恶痛绝;给别人打赌从来不会真正用金钱来衡量,哪怕从此背上赖账的委屈。而他从中省下的钱基本上都毫不吝啬地捐献给自己的朋友,虽然大多数是女性,但这更能说明韩二同志从来没有性别岐视的传统观念,很有怜花惜玉拈花惹草的遗传基因。(这句好象有点别扭,各位自己在心里更正一下,反正就是那意思)韩二同志还是一个慈祥善良的父亲,当遇到必须诅咒发誓的时候,从来不会殃及自己的家人,都是把自己首先放在刀尖上。韩二同志还是个合格的偶像,面对自己的粉丝从来不会夸夸其谈,一般显得比较低调谦虚,经常把自己比喻成不轻易露面的龟头,而把粉丝比喻包皮去享尽风光。韩二同志就连签名也不会像一般人那样应付了事,而是深思熟虑,从他的签名是横起写还是竖起写的格式中,完全可以判断出请他签名的是男性还是女性,尤其厉害的是还可以看出是丑陋的还是漂亮的美眉。对自己抄写的作品,韩二同志更是从不吹嘘、也不宣扬,为了保证自己洁身自好,甚至往往抄过就忘,为此他还专门留下那些抄稿,作为今后有人质疑时出示的证据,来表明自己的确是亲手所抄。这些都充分证明韩二同志是大智若愚、未雨绸缪的预测家。尤其值得称道的是韩二同志发表作品从来不为名利,其书常常是低价出售或者抽奖派送。不但如此,为了让读者更方便写好读书笔记,他总是会在印有文字的扉页后留下大部分空白,他这种人性化的安排和考虑不但在当今作家中首屈一指无人超越,甚至可能前无古人后无来者。

韩二同志的离去,俺认为不但是文学界、思想界、政治界、娱乐界的重大损失,还是俺养猪界的天灾人祸。他的离去让俺正在探索培养天才猪的伟大构想失去了借鉴的范本,从而可能导致流产夭折,更坏的结果可能让俺下届村长无法连任,特别致命的威胁可能来自于俺家的杀猪婆,被暴打还算轻巧的,很有可能那瓜婆娘会一纸休书把老子从幸福的粑耳朵直接整成痛苦的单身汉,到时候一个可怜的光棍又将华丽诞生。

但是,韩二同志的这种离去方式可以让他减少很多被父母责骂的痛苦、被朋友背叛的痛苦、被人们怀疑的痛苦、被电视频频曝光的痛苦,所以,这种离去对他来说其实是一种最好的解脱,这样想就可以稍稍减少俺们好不容易泛起的丁点哀思,增加俺们幸福活下去的勇气和信心。韩二同志,你在离去之时还时刻为俺们着想,你的品质和精神必将如下水道里的涓涓臭水,余味不消,万古不息!

安息吧!韩二同志,俺们鼓掌欢送你!!!!!!

下面,请高音喇叭放音乐《今天是个好日子》,然后大家抓紧时间围观。但请大家不要拥挤,依照先来后到的秩序,有鸡蛋的砸鸡蛋,没鸡蛋的吐口水,注意不要砸到或吐到小孩子身上,回家父母懒得清洗!

——2012年5月1日凌晨,宿醉未醒,为纪念光荣的“五一”劳动节一挥而就。

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访客的头像

:gl: 打韩2不仅 需要严谨的科学态度,也很需要您这种娱乐化的嘲讽,缺一不可,大家喜欢,继续努力!

访客的头像

怎么没发上去,再发一遍。打假韩2不仅需要严谨的科学精神,也需要娱乐化的嘲讽,缺一不可,支持您继续努力!

访客的头像

赞一个噻。再接再厉。我挺你,我算“杀猪的”的粉,称杀粉。

Xiaotian Ming的头像

嘿,杀猪的,老子要是寒二非杀了你。有这么消遣人的吗?何况俺还是少年天才,当代鲁迅。对不起,俺要把这证据挂到凯迪中坚论坛上,让广大寒粉看看。你还真得小心了。俺连刘明泽,黄麟都找得到,还怕你一杀猪的。

Xiaotian Ming

mt1227

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mt1227

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