《倒韩,还小屁孩们一片纯净的蓝天》作者: HENRY HUNTER

先坦白下我的自负:本人从小数学极有天赋,尤其是小学和初中。那时小学只考语文数学,我数学一门,就够乡里初中的录取线了。初中最辉煌的一次数学考试,全班就俩及格,我九十多,第二名七十多。

初中最荣耀的一次,是数学老师敲着我的小脑袋说:“这里哪来的那么多数学细胞?” 最羞辱的一次是,英语老师当着全班的面大声对我说:“你这么偏科,肯定进不了XX中学。” XX中学是省重点高中,对我们乡里孩子来说,那是进大学的摇篮。

虽然偏科,我依然因为数学的出类拔萃得意地被保送进入XX省重点高中,我的数学辉煌之路那时也走上了巅峰,此后一路下坡,那是后话了,在我其它文章中有过描述。

再介绍下我的性格:本人从下就不爱当老师,教人学习极其缺少耐心。十八年前,跟老婆谈恋爱时,看老婆实在无所事事,又实在笨得狠,有一段时间准备好好帮扶她,于是拿来本新概念第二册教她,一个一个小短故事,我觉得精彩极了,但往往我讲得眉飞色舞时,老婆那边已经是上眼皮在狂恋下眼皮了,那段时间,我就差没把她的额头给敲破了,给丈母娘心疼的。后来我只好放弃了。弄得现在只要我一出国,面对小屁孩的作业,老婆只有干捉急。

再说小屁孩,玩心重,遇到不会做的题目,往那一推,一句话,不会,然后就开始玩手头上就近能抓到的小玩意了,我总是不得不大声呼喝以期吸引其注意力,效果甚微,害得我不止一次地摔笔、摔本子、摔橡皮,然后闪人,然后再回来,再摔再闪,用老婆的话来说,我就是那著名的“跑三趟”。

可是,今天,我的自负和我的暴躁,不经意间遭到小屁孩无言的迎头痛击,让我突然发觉,我的自负,其实根基很浅,我的暴躁,太欠深度。

事情还得从一道数学题说起:甲乙丙丁四人夜过独木桥,只有手电筒一只,一次最多两人同过,过桥必须手持电筒,两人同行以较慢者为准。甲乙丙丁过桥时间分别是1、2、5、6分钟,他们过完桥需要多少分钟?

小屁孩正在思考,我不耐烦地打断其思路,说,得,这甲不是跑得最快吗,让他一个一个地带,一次一次地折返跑,不就行了吗,反正一次只能带一个,2+5+6+1+1=15分钟。屁孩说不对,好像最慢的俩要同时过。我说算了吧,别瞎掰了,期末考试下周就要开始了,这时,老婆拿着语文卷子塞到屁孩眼皮底下,我将数学卷子抽一边。

小屁孩一边做着语文卷子一边若有所思,说,我还有更快的办法,让丙丁同时过!我这个人没啥优点,就是反应快,因为脑子还在想着这题目,经小屁孩一提醒,脑中灵光一现,说是呀是呀,让丙丁先过,因为甲跑得快吗,然后让甲专门跑一趟过去拿电筒,再回来把乙接过去:6+1+1+2=10分钟,这不就搞定了吗?小屁孩给我这么一打岔,也就没细想了,赶紧改!

所有作业都收尾后,我一边给小屁孩洗脚,一边夸小屁孩有思想有头脑,我们同时一起臭孩儿妈,反应慢,啥作用也起不了,孩儿妈呢,婆婆妈妈地催着小屁孩边洗脚边读墙上的字。恍惚间,小屁孩忽然说了句:“我觉得还是你最早答案对,过桥得有手电筒啊,刚才的做法,甲没有手电筒怎么过桥啊。”经小屁孩这么一提醒,我顿时如醍醐灌顶,屁孩妈拿起橡皮,擦擦擦,她干粗活,还行。擦完屁孩妈就催着让改回最初的答案,小屁孩还在沉思,孩儿妈急着差点自己动手了,抢着早点上床睡觉是我们每天的核心任务,孩子作业这么多,可不能让孩子睡眠不足啊。

可是,小屁孩还在想,说还有更短的时间,拿过笔来就要重新算,我又一次发挥了急智的优势,再次醍醐灌顶了一把,KAO,小屁孩,你真神,一个晚上,起起落落,一次又一次地超越了老爸,让老爸真想为自负和暴躁找个地板缝往下钻啊! 甲乙先过,甲回,丙丁再过,乙回,再甲乙过:2+1+6+2+2=13分钟。

我突然发觉,今晚,我成了那跑得最快的甲,跑得最快有什么用,来往折返跑,做的全是无用功。凡事还是要动脑子啊,所谓“谋定而后动”是也。

家有屁孩初长成,从此,我想我再也无颜做那个“跑三趟”的摔摔爹了。

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