《黑夜中的三重门》——韩二秘史 by 太空了

【少儿不宜】

韩仁均爬起身束紧裤带扣,转胳膊套上马甲,笑嘻嘻把嘴凑过来,梨花手一挡脸,“就不要了吧!”。

韩大知道她忌讳他的肝炎,“那我回房了?眉十八的号还是由我来登着吧。我过去忙了,梨花,你的活是越来越好了,明天我还来深入走访你的夹皮沟,呵呵”。

“老狗日的,你也是越来越龌龊了,等一下,你儿子在外地赛车呢,下午挂QQ,他助手说是今天可能赶回来。看天也很晚了,估计今天不回来了,我还有话要说”。

“什么事?”

梨花幽幽地道:”跟你说句大实话,趁现在还有口气,赶紧把这事了了吧,也给你儿子留条后路。你也不希望自己哪天不在了,把草包儿子留给方舟子玩吧!还有你那些猪队友,别指望他们能做你儿子的辅政大臣,他们可比方舟子狠,你要是不在了,先玩死你草包儿子的就是他们!言尽于此,老狐狸自己看着办吧!”

韩大愤愤地骂道:“劝他小畜生千万不要去招惹方肘子哟,你只管在擂台上一心一意地揍麦田就OK了,柿子咱要捡软的捏,干嘛没来由地去拉个认死理的理科生上擂台上腔。路金波也已经警告过他了,可这个蠢货!”

“他现在疯了要悬赏两千万!据说范冰冰还加了两千万,那就是四千万人民币的赏金哪!”

“这都是他自找的,以为真会写东西了,他连“的”、“地”、“得”都不知该如何使用!我不是也曾在他的博客发过公告,说他不签名售书、不出镜头访谈演讲、不参加做秀节目等等,明着说是装逼想表现他与众不同而为他定了一些游戏规则,实际是要他小龟孙子藏拙,藏拙知道吗?!自己几斤几两不晓得呀。可是,事实如何呢?每当问到女人、赛车,这小杂种两眼开始放光,开始各种喷粪、牛皮。傻子都看的出来,他一点都不腼腆,不但不腼腆,而且是一个“口活”相当好的“大话王”,只是因为对文学、文化一窍不通,没法展示他的“口活”而已。这货在《鲁豫有约》上开始大喷特喷自己的长跑天赋,那口气仿佛马家军也赶不上他万一。也就是这傻子二货,换别人这么吹早被喷的找不到北了。据我所知他早已出尔反尔了,不但把账号乱给人贴博,还自己上博客满口哈七达八,写得不成个逼东西,害得我也参加骂战了,上阵父子兵,不能看着网上一片骂我一家认怂吧。”

“你不也经常上博客嘛,还和徐静蕾勾搭了好长时间,也好意思呢!”

“你不要泛酸啊,我不是想怎么样的,她再漂亮我也不意淫,徐静蕾不骂我中年猥琐男才怪,只能假冒韩寒每天意淫空干”,韩大赶紧表明了立场的坚定,“我是为我儿子的,你想,一个人哪有精力左一本、右一本地写书啊,也不合常理呀。为了保持人气,必须制造绯闻啊事件啊,别冷场了,你以为我真的和那娘们隔空打情骂俏啊,再说,人家也不是和我对话的呢。我写的东西可不是鸡毛蒜皮小事,要来钱的啦,我在淘宝网上卖书可是我自己写的,我不积极行吗?”。

“反正你也很猥琐,老不正经的,什么死三重门,恶心!你儿子傻逼京城体,全他妈恶心死了!”

梨花嘴一咧,又揶揄道:“那你也别坐电脑旁边太久啦,要不你胸会发闷,还有最重要的就是精子存活率会低,老婆不满意,有偷人的怀疑噢”。

“求医嘛,你呀,别说没用的,巧荣她,可能结了不少蜘蛛网了,顶多我用扫帚捅几下,谁去操我是管不上了哦,反正二傻给她17万的结实大床了是闲不住人了,怕早就是航空母舰了。有你、有小野在家就行了”。韩大眯小了眼,努力用一付慈祥庄重的表情压小声音说,又忍不住伸手向梨花海底捞了一把。

“唉,这狗日的傻货,也怪巧荣,那时没有准备,他妈就怀孕了。我由于爬格子写宣传稿子忙忘了这事,我自己身体也不好。不料朋友给了个他妈的医院床号让‘看看’活宝,便脚勤了一下,看到了这个活宝。这么说吧,要是当年早知道韩寒一副弱智呆傻相的话,说不定早就扔厕所里了”,顿了一顿,摇摇头,哀叹道:“可是,已经迟了,虽然大不晓事,连驾照都考过3次,费了我毕生精力,毕竟是我拖养大的。要那时候因为我的肝炎,不但大学被退下了,说不定他妈我都日不上”。

梨花也叹道:“我跟你现在不人不鬼的这样暗度陈仓,也是活报应。那时我一个才女,要追求男貌太容易了,只是人人爱人杰,看中了他藐视一切,不让鲁迅的文才。同学朋友说,他爸爸曾经笔名也叫韩寒呢,我开玩笑地说,只要他爸爸写得也好,那我连他爸爸也爱”。

梨花红了红眼,一丝泪光闪现,恨恨地道:“一语成谶,不料,你儿子是红楼梦里的薛蟠似的哥儿,十足的草包,十分地虚头。你却阴毒得很,刚过门就真的被你老逼养的硬勾上了,扒灰,哼扒灰……呵,不过话说回来,我很快就发现他的以前文章是你写的,前段时间我们在家,没日没夜的,我读他听,抄记你的手稿,赶出了《光明与磊落》,熬成大眼贼。唉,抄出了很多四两拔干片、破着头发这些弱智低级的错误啊。你把呆傻的儿子推到名作家的位置上来,活活地架在火上烤成烤鸡,太残忍了吧。我用心也无能为力了,比起当初被你儿子欺骗,我回到了真实世界,也得到了实在在的情欲,我无所谓有恨了。女儿睡相蛮可爱的,你不看一眼?”

韩大再次起身,叹口气,很低沉地:“唉,没承想事情弄到这个样子,不说了不说了,杂种驴日的小赤佬!我过去了,电脑还开着呢,你看女儿小野的被子蹬了没有”。

走到门口,回头看梨花披上睡衣到小野的房间去了,韩大以为傻儿子今晚不会回来,便轻手关掉门前挂着的七盏大红灯笼。

韩大一走进黑暗,心思立马就转到电脑上了,得赶紧上网看看,凯迪、天涯的帖子积了不少,得一个个地回骂呢,又要忙到大半夜了。近来说啥也静不下心了,隐隐地,肝部又有些发作了,都是韩黑倒韩闹的,战斗,一个人的战斗。

韩仁均贪婪地嗅着手指头残留的气味又吮了几口,正想进自己房间先服几片保肝药再说,听到门外有脚步声,接着掏钥匙的声音。韩大知道是韩二这小子回来了,暗自庆幸今天幸亏没留宿,不然就难堪了。泛过一丝淫笑侧身进了房,怕关门有声音,虚掩了门,蹑手蹑脚摸索椅子坐下。

“咦,老小子还没困觉哪”,韩二看到老韩的房间门没关上,换上拖鞋走过来推门,只见韩大趴在打开的电脑桌前蠕动着嘴角,淌着涎睡得正酣。也不再打扰了,韩二转身就要进自己的房间,发现女儿的房间有脚步声,就扭头看,刚好梨花慵懒拖沓的样子出来。

韩大分分钟岂能睡去,抬起头竖起了狐狸耳朵,又走近门边贴在门缝上。听墙根是韩大打小就养成的恶习,小镇上的有名的“包打听”,什么诡秘的消息都最先知道,谁家夜里两口子吵架骂了什么……第二天,文化站一上班,就开讲了,同时也是《故事会》上投稿的素材,篇篇故事不离写到屁股一词,你说他是不是阴毒下流得可怕。

 

“你蛮迟哒,今天就到宾馆住一晚得了,还要赶回来?”

“嘿嘿,在外边风吹多了,特别想家了,小野呢?”韩二招牌式地挠挠后脑勺奸笑打哈哈,言不由衷地问了一句不用回答的话,眼睛盯向梨花的睡衣领口。跟到门里,一脚把门关上,推着梨花退到大床上。

韩大刚出门,韩二又迫不及待又要进门,梨花门内不及打扫,哪肯。一阵搏斗似的,筋疲力尽的韩二终于如愿解除了梨花的全部武装,梨花也被撩拨得涨红脸腮。

韩二爬过来凑脸上嘻嘻笑,露出白森森的牙,长发在面门荡悠,梨花又用力挣扎,想掀开他。

突然,“噗”地一声!下面一种声音清晰地发出。

韩二惊叫:“我听到排气管的声音?”

“什么排气管声音?我没听见”,梨花脸一红,扭过脸去,心里暗骂。都因为老韩花样多,尤喜欢后式的,每次都要,弄得下面老是阴吹胀气,不过感觉也不错,她也不抵制,乐得受用,因为经常呆在家,也别无顾忌。

韩二高兴地一乐,神经似的嘟哝:“绕梁三日的声音,你就这么漂来漂去啊,所以在还没能拥有速度的时候,先给了我感觉,给我排气管的声音,让我在半夜觉得自己仿佛是一个传说啊。”

“去你妈逼的,你不要整天穿那双死人增高鞋了,臭死了,洗脚去啊”。

“我不是几双一样款式的嘛,经常换的”,韩二下了床,急急去了趟卫生间。

“我的三重门,嘻嘻,我要被中窥人”。

“你跟你老子一个德性,整天粗口当饭,这玩意叫三重门?大发明啊,现在全国人都晓得了。”

韩二不应,低头摸索。

“老研究我三重门干什么,找你妈的去”,梨花现在也用这词了,伸手拦住,厉声责问。

“我问你整天都胡忙什么哪?你也不望望网上”。

韩二一愣,心情直落零下一度。

“你大吼什么,老提说有意思吗?是啊,不就是代笔的事嘛,我回应了,是在比赛时写的,无法自证。一回到上海哪还有这么多空啊。这点我早就在很多采访里说过。这位朋友还质疑我为什么第二天有比赛,当天晚上一点多还在写文章,我只能告诉这位朋友,你只证明了你不具备这个能力和精力那因为你不是天才。那个赵长天的儿子那多、陈村的儿子杨乐山水、尚爱兰的女儿蒋方舟他们不都这么搞的?利用的一个马甲而已,我爸是我的马甲,我也一直是我爸的马甲,娱乐到底嘛”。

韩二一阵忙乎,头很快就耷拉下来,大口呕吐了,满头满脸是汗。

“你真是名符其实的快枪手啊,你爸不如你哦”,梨花一语双关冷冷地说,“行当那么多,忙死你哦我的小冤家”。

“是啊,我们成立团队,团队作战,又成立乐队,但人其实还是那些帮友,去年我们偷偷摸摸又做了本杂志,编了本书,我们可能要将办公室搬往老家亭林镇,那里八百块钱租可以一个两层楼。不过天无绝人之路,我发现大家居然都会一些乐器,多才啊。所以在新的一年里,我们正式隆重的宣布原独唱团杂志社的班底转型为“亭林镇独唱团”乐队,你看,都是帮友的功劳,大家发财”。

“你也不替女儿想想,现在又拿小野的照片当招牌,你韩家做的绝事世上有吗?文章假,赛车假,身高假,你家欺骗了多少人,支持你的什么公知、母知的,你说的包皮粉的,你都一概玩弄啊,现在骂的人更多了,以后叫小野怎么见人啊?”

“谁说不能见人啥的?我正想告诉你呢,网上闹哄哄地都喜欢叫我国民岳父呢……怎么会有这么个话题,我那个汗。以前看月亮的时候,人家都叫我韩少,现在新人胜旧人,在片场大家都叫我岳父。我的青春也太短暂了……看傻逼们叫得多欢,放心,小野不会嫁给他们的,小野以后抢手呢。可恨你是大逼只下小逼,生了个赔钱货,不然趁着老东西能再活些年,也给小小韩寒再写些传世之作多好”。

“你这个贱种,想得真美,你叫老东西装完儿子再装孙子啊,那就再来个人造韩寒,来个传世亿万年”,梨花一把拽住老二,像拖咬猎物的毒蛇。

“不行,不行,歇歇,歇歇,唔……”韩二稳不住,脸一下扑在梨花的三重门上,弄得满头满脸更加湿漉漉的了,像打漏出来的脑浆。

 

韩大脸上掠过一丝轻蔑的冷笑,慢吮中指,“梨花是我的,肚子里已经下种五个月了,只有我行,春萍你看,我做到了”。

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