《韩二》--仿鲁迅《孔乙己》 by 易策

新浪微博的格局,是和别处不同的:都是公知大V整天在上面秀下限,手机里面预备着段子,可以随时发布。做工的人,傍午傍晚散了工,每每花上零星时间,看今天又有什么好玩的。一边走路,一边刷微博——这是两年前的事,现在大家都转去微信了——倘若闲的蛋疼,便可以找人瞎扯,如果碰到感兴趣的人事,那就会跟着辩论。但这些粉丝,多是打工的,大抵没有这样的逼格。只有认证过的,才以为自己人模狗样,坐在星巴克里,用信用卡积分换一杯咖啡,打开电脑,慢慢地装逼。

我从2010年起,便在新浪微博开了个账号,朋友说,样子太丑,怕没有什么人会粉你,就关注些带V的潜水罢。上面的一些名人,虽然感觉很近,但唠唠叨叨缠夹不清的也很不少。他们往往要把自己的思想从脑子里舀出,浆糊一样涂抹在裤子上,看过裤子底里有缝没有,又亲自将底裤晒到微博里,然后辩论:在这严重自恋下,取关也很难免。所以过了几天,对朋友说我玩不了这玩意。幸亏世界本来很大,手机发达,便改为专门看人堕落的一种扯G8蛋了。

我从此便整天的泡在微博里,专找揭皮的帖子。虽然没有什么不好,但总觉得有些单调,有些无聊。媒体是一副二皮脸孔,公知也没有好声气,教人活泼不得;只有韩二开了微博,才可以笑几声,所以至今还记得。

韩二是发微博不用自己写字的唯一的人。他身材很矮小;黑皮脸色,视频里时常抓耳挠腮;一部乱蓬蓬的盖过半边脸的长发。写的文字虽然是装逼,可是又烂又脏,似乎十多年没有长进,也没有改。他对人说话,总是满口破朔迷离,教人半懂不懂的。因为他是父子合体,别人便从两人名字“韩人二均寒”这半懂不懂的话里,替他取下一个绰号,叫作韩二。韩二一更新微博,所有在线的人便都围着他笑,有的叫道,“韩二,你微博又找你爹代笔了!”他不回答,对粉丝说,“你饿不饿,我下蛋给你吃”,便晒出自己本人坐在草包上的照片来。他们又故意的高声嚷道,“你一定又偷了人家的段子了!”韩二睁大眼睛说,“你怎么这样凭空污人清白……”“什么清白?我前天亲眼见你举着USB,还说“芳草天”,网友找出来是偷人家的。”韩二便涨红了脸,额上的青筋条条绽出,争辩道,“抄写不能算偷……抄书!……一介书生,能算偷么?”接连便是难懂的话,什么“四两拔干片”,什么“姐搞”之类,引得众人都哄笑起来:微博内外充满了快活的空气。

听人家背地里谈论,韩二原来也读过高中,但七门功课亮红灯终于没有毕业,又喜欢泡妞;于是去开赛车了。幸而写得一笔好字,便替老爹抄抄书,安在自己名下骗一群傻子。可惜他又有一样坏脾气,便是胡说八道。出名了几天,便连他爹的《三重门》和周云蓬的小说都不看一眼,一顿乱搞。访谈几次,一问三不知,渐渐的都快被人遗忘了。韩二没有法,便与路金波结伙做起网上碰瓷的事。他在新浪博客里,品行却比别人都坏,专找名人骂战;骂文化骂教育骂社会,虽然都不是他自己动手,但不出一年,声名鹊起,从新浪公知榜上添上了韩二的名字。

韩二被媒体公知吹捧,涨红的脸色渐渐复了原,旁人便又问道,“韩二,你当真写过韩三篇么?”韩二看着问他的人,显出不屑置辩的神气。他们便接着说道,“你爹fjfh6602博客穿帮了你怎么不申辩呢?”韩二立刻显出颓唐不安模样,脸上笼上了一层灰色,嘴里说些话;这回可是全是破朔迷离之类,一些不懂了。在这时候,众人也都哄笑起来:店内外充满了快活的空气。

在这些时候,我可以附和着笑,跟着去看韩二的视频和访谈。网友见了韩二,也每每翻出首届新概念作文比赛的事去问他,杯子里到底是纸还是布?引人发笑。韩二自己知道不能和他们辩论,便只好向网友说话。有一回对网友说道,“你泡过妞么?”网友略略点一点头。他说,“泡过妞,……我便考你一考。老婆和女友,怎样摆平?”网友想,骗子一样的人,也配考我么?便回过脸去,不再理会。韩二等了许久,很恳切的说道,“不知道罢?……我教给你,记着!这些事应该记着。将来做公知的时候,会要用到。”网友暗想老子根本没想做公知呢,而且那些公知也从不将泡妞的事情发微博;又好笑,又不耐烦,懒懒的答他道,“谁要你教,不是靠装逼和欺骗二个词么?”韩二显出极高兴的样子,将两个指头的长指甲划着脑门,点头说,“对呀对呀!……如果要做到不为感情影响心情,不被感情所牵绊,必须要做到有两个女朋友,五个情人,八个床伴,你知道么?”网友愈不耐烦了,努着嘴走远。韩二刚用舌头舔了鼻子,想在微博上写字,“只要发挥得好的,活儿好。。” 见网友毫不热心,便又叹一口气,显出极惋惜的样子。

有几回,一群公知在微博里听得笑声,也赶热闹,围住了韩二,要他雄起。他便给他们发小野的照片,一人一张。公知看完照片,仍然不散,高呼起国民岳父来。韩二高了兴,找他爹要自己小时候的照片,编些段子发微博说道,“京城的路好宽,京城的姑娘好严谨。”等着看微博上蜂拥而至的粉丝,自己摇头说,“车也好多,好车也多,车多也好,好多车也!”于是这一群粉丝都在微博里哄笑开了。

韩二是这样的使人快活,可是没有他,别人也便这么过。

有一天,大约是清明前的两三天,朋友正在慢慢的打字,贴上图片,忽然说,“韩二长久没有发博客了。正在拍电影呢!”我才也觉得他的确长久没有发文章了。一个正在骂公知的网友说道,“他怎么敢写?……他底裤都被扒掉了。”网友说,“哦!”“他总仍旧是装。这一回,是他爹发恨,竟投到娱乐圈去了。娱乐的圈子,好混的么?”“后来怎么样?”“怎么样?当猴耍呗,后来是自黑,自黑了大半年,再被网友扒皮。”“后来呢?”“后来被网友翻出他参加首届新概念作文大赛写《杯中窥人》纯属子虚乌有。”“扒皮了怎样呢?”“怎样?……谁晓得?许是装傻了。”网友也不再问,仍然骂他的公知去了。

端午之后,天气是一天热比一天,看看将近暑假;我整天的去打球,也就汗流浃背了。一天的下半天,没有几个顾客,我正刷微博休息。忽然间听得一个声音, “后会无期。”这声音虽然极低,却很耳熟。原来是几个球僮,聚在一起看一本娱乐杂志。那韩二便在破船上对了海边坐着。他脸上黑而且瘦,已经不成样子;穿一件黑皮镂,低着头,下面垫一个鞋垫,用手擦拭着眼睛;见了他爹,又说道,“转型失败了。”网友也伸出头去,一面说,“韩二么?你还欠大家一个代笔真相呢!”韩二很颓唐的仰面答道,“这……你问我爹罢。这一回是我自己本人,在现场。”网友仍然同平常一样,笑着对他说,“韩二,你又骗了粉丝了!”但他这回却不十分分辩,单说了一句“不要取笑!”“取笑?要是不骗,怎么会穿帮?”韩二低声说道,“导,导,导,代,代,代……”他的眼色,很像恳求网友,不要再提。此时已经聚集了几个人,议论起韩二的增高鞋来都笑了。我提了球杆,走出去,依旧打我的球。从他的文字和采访视频看出,韩二依旧是逻辑混乱,思维不清,辞不达意,不知所云,原来他便用这脚后跟来思索的。不一会,他删了微博,便又在旁人的说笑声中,拖着那双高高的长筒靴慢慢走去了。

自此以后,又长久没有看见韩二写文章。到了年关,网友在微博上说,“韩二还欠大家一个交待呢!”到第二年的端午,又说“韩二还欠大家一个真相呢!”到中秋可是没有说,再到年关也没有看见他的文章。

我到现在终于没有见——大约“当代鲁迅”的确死了。

二0一四年六月

来源:http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_573bc7aa0101i25b.html

 

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