韩寒的第三只手 -----“韩三篇”完结篇 作者:涂涂米

韩寒有第三只手?
是的,韩寒有第三只手,这是真的!
一开始我也不相信,直到我亲身经历了一件事情之后,我信了,韩寒的的确确有第三只手,而且这只手,有着和一般人不一样的特殊功能。有什么功能呢?您听我细细说来。
事情源于方韩大战之后,韩寒的博客写不下去了。因为博文一出,就会被盯上,然后被左分析,右解构,上挖掘,下对比,很快就会把韩寒的尾巴给揪出来。他的尾巴已经露得够长了,如果继续露,就怕要现了私处,这样就有损伟人的形象了。他思想着,也许不写会少些麻烦,于是也就不再写博客了。
他开始专侍微博。
微博这东西就是好。三言两语自成文章,吃喝拉撒皆成篇幅。韩寒自从玩上微博以来,仿佛也“找到了真爱”(路金波语)。他把微博玩得是风生水起,春风得意,引逗得一帮红男绿女粉丝乐得屁颠屁颠的。尤其是韩寒自打有了女儿小野,全球各地的女婿们慕名纷至沓来,竞相争宠,把韩寒家的门槛都踏成了深坑。
这本来是好事。从责任心的角度来说,作为父亲的韩寒,在女儿三岁的时候就着手考虑其终身大事,这说明了伟人的境界就是高,很有超前意识,也很有全球战略眼光。从全宇宙来搜寻女婿,这女婿能差吗?
他不但在全球选婿,还提早为小野准备了嫁妆。但要想拿到这些嫁妆有个前提,这些女婿们必须掏钱去电影院看韩寒的电影。一张电影票就能换来一个女婿的名分,值啊,谁不乐意去呢?于是女婿们纷纷走进电影院,像买彩票等着中奖一样,盼着被岳父相中。
这伟人就是伟人,连选婿的创意都能搞的那么别出心裁,I服了YOU。
但除去全球选婿这件事以外,韩寒的某些变化还是引起了我的困惑。自打玩起微博,原来那个自称乖张叛逆的韩寒不见了,转而换之的是,他变得乖巧了,懂事了,听话了,也有爱了。他不再破口骂人,脏话连篇了,变得对人有礼貌了。在接受台湾影评人焦熊屏采访的时候,韩寒一进门就甜甜地叫了声:焦老师好!那样子,十足是一个腼腆的三好学生。他也不再指点江山,激扬文字了,对社会上发生的热点焦点问题也变得视而不见了。不但如此,还时不时地展示一下正能量:对某某地发生灾情及表达慰问慰问啦,挑战一下冰桶啦等等。连以前他嗤之以鼻的“记者节”这样的节日都不忘谨记在心,及时地用微博点赞来表达敬意。看那架势,直追“带鱼”。
当然,韩寒变得有礼貌,有爱心,这本来是件好事,况且我们中华民族自古就有尊老爱幼的传统,像以前那样不问老少,见人就骂,确实得罪了不少人。如今改好了,我们欢迎。但我所困惑的是他为什么会这么变,是韩寒天生的善变,还是像他自己说的《其实我一直很慈祥》(韩寒接受‘时尚先生’采访的题目)?
为了解开心中的困惑,我专门咨询了本地一位小有名气的心理学家,想了解一下一个人的人格稳定性到底有多大。这位心理学家告诉我:“据科学考证,一个人的人格,在十八岁时一旦形成便会稳定下来,一般情况下持续到老死都不会发生改变,不然怎么叫山难改,性难移呢。”呃,原来这样啊。可是韩寒变了啊,真的变了!
我又问,如果一般情况下不会改变,那特殊情况下呢?这位心理学家没有说。我想,韩寒是世纪伟人,也许应该划归特殊情况的范畴,如果是这样,我之前的一切疑惑就都豁然开朗了。伟人嘛,总要与一般人不一样嘛,我们的人格不会改变,不等于韩寒的人格不会改变,我们每人只有一张脸,不等于韩寒不可以多一张脸。用两张张脸像镜头一样的自由随意地切换,难道不是伟人韩寒应该有的吗?
说着说着就跑题了,现在说韩寒的第三只手。
还是从微博说起。我想,韩寒嫌写长文章太费劲而找别人带劳可以理解,但写写这种三言两语的微博应该没问题吧,总不至于写两句微博也要找人代笔吧。所以我一直相信韩寒的微博应该是由韩寒本人所控制并操作的。
有一天心血来潮,突然想做一回韩粉,想给韩寒的微博施施肥,浇浇花什么的。这样想着,我就在韩寒的一条微博的下面写了一句“赞美”的话。但万万没想到,我的留言在一瞬间就不见了。
我的第一反应不是我的帖子丢了,而是韩寒在线。
我心里有些小激动。因为长这么大还没有和伟人有过这么亲密的互动呢。今天韩寒亲自删除了我的留言,这是多么的荣幸啊!于是在激动之余,我再次”赞美”了韩寒一番。又是万万没想到,帖子发出去,又不见了。真快啊,快得我都来不及反应。
也难怪,一双开赛车的手能不快嘛。
后来我又想,韩寒是伟人不假,但伟人也总是要累的吧,伟人的眼睛也不能老盯着微博看的吧,伟人也要吃饭睡觉的吧。想到这,我突然想做一个试验,看看韩寒什么时候在线,什么时候离线。于是我就在三天的时间里分不同时段给韩寒的微博发“赞美性”的留言。其中一条我甚至在深夜三点发出。但不幸的是,留言基本上都被瞬间秒杀了。我心生奇怪了:韩寒难道不吃饭,不睡觉,不做爱,不写作,不开赛车,不拍电影,不去酒店,不陪小野,天天盯着微博看?于是我又查阅了韩寒那几天的行程,结果大吃一惊。就在我留言最密集的那一天,韩寒正在外地参加赛车比赛!
我了个去!
这次我不得不佩服得五体投地了。伟人就是伟人,和普通人就是不一样,原来伟人是可以一边开赛车,一边刷微博的。
让我心生奇怪的是,韩寒是怎么做到这些的呢?难道他真的有第三只手?也许吧!
于是,我仿佛看到了这样的一幅画面。
远景:赛车道上,一辆赛车疯狂地疾驰着。近景:韩寒稳稳地坐在赛车的驾驶座上,表情凝重。他双手把着方向盘,目光如炬。这是最关键的一场比赛,他不能输掉。他把油门踏到了底,赛车像离弦的箭射向前方,有几辆赛车被韩寒甩在后面。特写:韩寒的嘴角露出一丝不易察觉的笑。这是自信地笑,也是胜利地笑。
就要冲刺了!但是就在这样关键的时候,韩寒兜里的iphone6发出了嘟嘟嘟的提示音。他知道是他的微博有了情况。这个提示音是韩寒专门请美国的一家公司设计定制的:一旦有人在韩寒微博后面有不太友好的跟帖,报警器就会自动发出嘟嘟的提示音,然后韩寒就会在最快的时间内将其删除。
最神奇的一幕出现了。只见韩寒一边驾驶赛车,一边缓缓地从后背伸出他的第三只手,这是一只宽大而又厚实的手。这只手准确地伸到他的黑色夹克的左兜里,从里面摸出iphone6,然后以最快的速度将那条不友好的留言删除。接着又迅速地把iphone6装进兜里,之后,这只手又缓缓地缩回到韩寒的后背里,无声无息,就像什么都没有发生。
接下来,是高潮时分。韩寒再一次地猛踩了油门,韩寒连同他的赛车一起射了出去,他第一个射到了终点。
全景:鲜花和雷鸣般的掌声把韩寒淹没了。但是,谁也没有注意到深藏在他身后的另一只手,这是一只神奇的手。
这就是韩寒,一个伟大的韩寒,天才的韩寒,一个可以一边开赛车,一边刷微博的韩寒。因为他有第三只手。

原文地址:http://blog.sina.cn/dpool/blog/s/blog_6655f3c50102vahu.html?vt=4&refer=w...

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